I'm in love with a gay man...

I am not sure what planet I have been living on, but I totally missed out on the entire Adam Lambert thing. I am so in love with this gay man that I am completely beside myself. 

The last gay man I was in head over heals for was Jacob from Gold's gym. Gold's had some pretty decent looking guys hanging out, pumping iron, but none of them tripped my trigger.

Same ol' Same ol'

Sigh...

One day, this guy walks by and I am like BAM. OMGosh. I have to meet him, Jan! He has the X-factor.

What the F is that?

You know, the unknown, something special that you can't put your finger on. The X-factor. That guy, over there. He has *** IT ***!!

Jan rolled her eyes, got off the stationary bike and went outside to have a smoke.

I watched my mysterious x-man for a couple days. He was oblivious to my fascination. Drat. OK. Activate Plan B. Think quick!! I literally throw myself in front of him when he walks by...

OH! HI! (sweet, innocent smile)

You see, MBWA (Myrtle Beach Web Angel) is no dummy. She knows that once you actually say hi and smile at a guy- you go up at least 10 notches on his radar. Ugly, pretty, skinny, fat... you just seriously gained some ground just by being nice, looking someone in the eye, smiling and saying hello.

We start smiling every time we see other in the gym. A little wave. I have a serious crush. Jan can't figure it out. She says he is not my "normal" type, whatever that is. I told her there is just something special about him but I am not sure what it is yet.

We finally formally introduce ourselves. Chat forever while on the elliptical machine. I stay on the machine until I almost pass out. He has a lot of endurance. His name is Jacob. The X-factor? Did he have it? You bet he did. My sweet Jacob has a genius IQ and a great smile. Not a lie. He edits books for the super smart--- doctors and such. He is smarter than they are and fixes their mistakes!! Jacob has a brilliant mind. He is charming, witty and has beautiful sincere eyes. We are going to be perfect together...

He's gay, Melissa.

Noooooooo.

Yes. He's gay.

NO HE IS NOT!

He is hanging from a shoulder harness over there doing the splits...

What?! Oh, well... he likes yoga. He is very spiritual. That doesn't mean he is gay.

His leg is stretched behind his head.

He's flexible. Maybe double jointed.

His feet are literally touching the back of his head now. Look.

I'm not looking. Leave me alone.

He's gay.

You're just jealous. You don't want me to be happy.

I am not jealous of your gay boyfriend.

JACOB ISN'T GAY!!!

Denial. Denial. Denial.

No fair. No fair. No fair. I called dibs...

I was crushed. My crush was crushed. It was over before it even began. Sigh.

How depressing for me. The story doesn't have a terrible ending. I met my Fave Dave a short time later. Dave's not gay, but close enough. He is a metro and sensitive. I had to give him manicures and pedicures to bring him up to snuff, but I love that man. He is actually better than gay. He is a manly-man structural airplane mechanic AND screams like a girl if he stubs his toe. Who could ask for more?

I haven't been in love with another gay man since Jacob. It's been years. Until now. Tonight. By chance, I am watching E. Joan Rivers just got through trashing everyone in Hollywood. I enjoyed it. Cheap laughs at other people's expense.

I start poking around on my cell phone, playing Scrabble against the computer. Another show has come on with this guy named Adam Lambert.

I glance up. Who is that? Adam Lambert? Whatever. Back to Scrabble.

But he starts to catch my eye. X-FACTOR ALERT!!!  X-FACTOR ALERT!!! I start watching. Homely, overweight, ginger kid takes American Idol by storm. I set my phone down. His voice: brilliant. He is singing Zeppelin, Hendrix, Queen.

My trigger? Tripped.

Where the hell did this guy come from? Oh my. He looses weight, dyes his hair black, puts on leather. I go nuts. I am all over my droid pulling up YouTube videos of Adam Lambert. The icing on the cake? Yep. He is gay.

I love him so much. The more music I pull, the more I adore him. I don't know how I missed him.

Well, yes I do. I don't actually watch a lot of TV. My internet is set to only bring me news on things I am already interested in. I don't get the newspaper. I listen to Pandora and create my station based on music I already like...

Anyways- this Adam. Adam, I worship and adore you. My finance is incredibly sexy. He can dance. He dresses really well and he has a super hot body. David. I am going to dress you up just like Adam. I am going to put eye liner on you and buy you black leather pants. We're going to pretend you are Adam Lambert and I am going to see if I can make you straight...

You're here, for my entertainment tonight...



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